There's that scene in American Beauty.....

....where the odd boy next door talks about this benevelent force in the Universe...and how the world is so beautiful that he hurts. I very much understand that feeling. Somedays I am in a sort of ecstasy...which I don't know is a kundalini awakening...a closer connection to my christ self or what. Ecstasy comes upon me at times and I just want to express it somehow...yet it seems I cannot and still fit in with normal society. I guess I don't have "perfect love" just yet as it does cast out all fear and I still have the fear that I will be hurt or thought of as too odd for all of society to accept. Fear? or instinct? We are still living with our main consciousness in this material realm and their are certain dimensional laws. Hmmm....or maybe I just think there is. Heh..this is what it is like to be me at times. I'm trying to stop putting myself down for being me. This is a new thing...standing up for ALL of me...not just the acceptable parts...or what I deem acceptable to others. There is some great beauty and strength in getting older.

Living my life for men

If I were to live my life for men...

I'd be thinner, fatter, less stomach,more stomach, breasts that stood up straight when I laid down, less breasts, more breasts. I'd shave my pubes, leave my pubes alone, shave my underarms, leave my underarms all furry, I'd wear deodorant,I'd leave deodorant to sit unused in my bathroom cabinet, I'd straighten my hair, leave it natural, I'd wear no makeup,less makeup or more makeup, I'd have kids, I'd be childfree, I'd be a go-getter with a great job, I'd be a go-getter with a job that made me fascinating but did not overshadow a guys job, I'd be a stay at home wife, I'd not have pets,I'd have pets, I'd wear foot and leg killing heels, I'd wear short skirts, low cut tops, Not too low cut tops, strangle my neck with a collar tops, I'd wear perfume, I'd stop wearing perfume, I'd be a great cook and housekeeper, I'd not be too domestic, I'd not be too funny, I'd not be too raunchy, I'd be one of the guys, I'd be a real lady, I'd be stupider, I'd be smarter, I'd be interested in football, I'd eat more meat, I'd eat less meat, I'd be more bisexual , I'd be a very open minded threesome minded gal!!!, I'd not be a slut, I'd not be a prude.

I love my girlfriends and the guy that loves me for who I am.